


The Sacred Pimp Hand of Justice

by Asuka Kureru (Askerian)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Gen, Multi, Pesterlog, Snark, Wedding Planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-14
Updated: 2013-12-14
Packaged: 2018-01-04 15:59:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1082947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eridan and Rose set up their extravagant ashen commitment ceremony to Karkat. Without Karkat. This is not the smoothest process in the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sacred Pimp Hand of Justice

**Author's Note:**

> Anonymous asked: Karkat c3< Eridan/Rose; Extravagant ashen commitment ceremony.
> 
> this should totally be a real long fic. instead you get a pesterlog because i cannot brain long fic. .___.

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] started trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -- 

CA: tellin ya noww the links you sent me all suck an i refuse to spend a dime on any a them  
CA: puttin that on the table wwhere wwe can both see it  
TT: It sits on the table and stares back stonily, and then hops off and disappears where the overdone metaphors go off to die.  
TT: Don't you mean that you refuse to spend a dime at all? I am starting to believe this is the true cause of your recent fits of distemper. You shouldn't feel ashamed of not being able to match my means.  
TT: It would be much too crass to use that against you.  
CA: oh my god shut your smug trap i can match your means twwice ovver and you knoww it  
TT: Do I?  
CA: an you wwont manipulate me into buyin the first gaudy piece a inappropriate shit you pass your eyes ovver just to provve it either  
CA: this is too important for your horseshit and im not sure you properly get that  
TT: I get it just fine, and I will thank you not to assume as a human I have no notion of the importance and weight of a commitment ceremony.  
TT: Humans having only a single quadrant to commit to, you might even argue that it's four times as important to us.  
CA: that aint wwhat the divvorce rates graphs ivve seen say  
TT: Do not even try to make me swallow that no committed quadrant ever breaks up, please. I will be forced to log off in disgust, and I'm having a perfectly pleasant discussion with John at the moment.  
CA: dont tell me you dont knoww wwhat the invvisible button is for  
TT: Yes; it's for you to check obsessively every time someone doesn't appear online, in your neurotic need to assure yourself you are not being dismissed.  
CA: wwoww  
CA: you humongous bitch  
TT: Guilty as charged.  
TT: My apologies. We were talking about Karkat; it would be of bad taste if my lack of control were to impede the smooth process of this discussion.  
CA: if kar wwere here hed tell you that aint an apology for bein a bitch  
CA: just an apology for bein a bitch impolitely  
TT: If Karkat were here he would congratulate you on having so well learned how to read into people other things than those you so dearly wish to see, so permit me to congratulate you in his stead.  
CA: noww youre takin me for a moron too  
TT: No, that was actually sincere.  
TT: Sigh.  
TT: Never mind. The cuffs? I suppose you have a suggestion of your own.  
CA: actually

\-- CA wants to send the file fuckin_perf.jpg -- 

CA: stylized skyhorse crests for elegance and tentacles graspin round the wwrist like the mysterious blood suckin creature a the abyss you are  
CA: platinum an silver inlay  
TT: This is so... gaudy.  
CA: cmon youd totally wwear it  
TT: I would; Karkat wouldn't.  
TT: Or perhaps...  
TT: Alright, I've found the site these come from. The craftsmanship is pretty nice, and they have some cuffs in the same style, but a bit more understated.  
TT: Also, I do believe Karkat would enjoy a more discreet material. This model in cold iron and silver inlays would have touches of the bright and valuable, while also keeping to the dark, discreet feel he prefers. Don't you think so?  
CA: hrrm  
TT: I would also enjoy decking him in some better colors, but we must make an effort to consider his preferences.  
CA: bluh okay but not cold iron its cheap as hell i dont care about the soi disant symbolism other metals havve it too  
CA: wwhat are wwe rustbloods noww  
TT: And what else do you suggest? Do you plan to embarrass him by  
CA: roz??  
TT: ...  
TT: http://ashenbalance.net/shackles/embraceofthedeep.htm  
CA: the tentacles are just as gaudy as on the ones i showwed you are you serious they even havve suckers on em  
TT: Yes, but they go the other way around. Up to the elbow, not down to the back of the hand. And he always wears long sleeves, doesn't he?  
TT: On the outside only the delicate waves of your skyhorse crest would show, should he raise his hand and the sleeve slide.   
TT: While underneath they reach to climb up his forearms and...  
TT: Well. Grasp rather more than they ought, I figure.  
CA: hahahahaha oh my god did you just havve an ashen spasm  
CA: like a real swwoony one   
CA: miss oh this is an alien affectation i dont really feel your ovverly complicated feelins this is just convvenient because eridan ampora is a douche entirely platonically an kar is just performin a friendly servvice i oughta repay  
CA: roz  
CA: cmon roz are you seriously sulkin  
TT: Eridan? Fuck you.  
CA: ahahahahahaha c3< there there my little prickle bush happens to the best of us  
TT: By "best" I dearly hope you aren't referring to yourself.  
CA: c3< ~  
TT: You will not get a second "fuck you" out of me tonight.  
CA: i hate you too my silvverest  
TT:  You're laughing your ass off, aren't you.  
CA: yup  
TT: Sigh.  
TT: Are we at least agreed?  
CA: make the filigree platinum instead a silver an wwere in  
TT: Sold.  
TT: I'll make the purchase and forward you your half of the bill. Was there anything else?  
CA: lemme look at my spreadsheet  
TT: You have a spreadsheet.  
CA: a course i havve a spreadsheet wwhy wwould i not havve a spreadsheet those things are ridiculous amounts a useful  
TT: ... Of course.  
CA: you remember the ceremony right  
TT: No; I've forgotten it all. Having a simplistic tradition repeated a dozen times to me is outrageously confusing.  
CA: wwe kneel by the hearth an he marks us wwith the ashes so dress in grays cause that shit stains something awwful an we aint allowwed to wwipe it off all night  
CA: an then he cuffs us an wwe cuff him  
CA: you did buy me a cuff right  
TT: Did I? Hm. My memory is so faulty these days.  
CA: im rollin my eyes at my screen i feel you should knoww  
CA: dont forget to givve it to him before the ceremony but hell ask you either wway hes fretty  
CA: an then theres the traditional gifts a acorns an staves  
TT: However did they come to pass? The sites are extremely contradictory.  
CA: wwell it could be so wwe can wwalk a long wway together an evventually groww fruit from our hard shell a enemity  
CA: or it could be so he can pelt us wwith em from afar an knock us on our asses wwhen closer  
CA: i knoww wwhich one i believve  
TT: Yes; so do I, I must admit.  
CA: dont forget to wwear clothes you can operate one handed cause wwell be spendin the wwhole reception chained together  
TT: Am I correct in intuiting that our level of coordination in moving around the reception hall and taking care of his needs will reflect on the degree of trust the community may have in our commitment to him?  
CA: ayup  
TT: Dibs on hand-feeding. You get to help him in the bathroom.  
CA: dont you evven try pulling the lady card  
TT: I'm not. I'm pulling the alien genitals card. I would hardly know how to help him relieve himself without mishap, naturally.  
CA: fuck no wwe swwap or nothin  
CA: hell kar wwill tell you the same fuckin thing  
CA: also id be extremely surprised if after kan you still had no clue how ta handle wwhat wwe got it aint that complicated  
TT: Oh well, I had to try. :)  
CA: bitch c3<  
TT: Bulgehole. c3<  
TT: It is strange to think of being bound to you in any way. The strangest is the rare moments of insanity where I don't even mind.  
TT: Perpetual bickerhood. How romantic.  
CA: stop rolling your eyes im onto you  
CA: youre wway into this wwhole thing arent you  
TT: Of course. Ceremonies are fun, especially ones overwrought with bizarre symbolism. I thought you agreed, considering the enthusiasm with which you took over the decorating  
CA: like you can talk wwere getting OYSTERS an MUSHROOMS howw is it evven the season  
TT: Are we once again going to squabble over this? Karkat did tell us to put this topic to rest the last time it happened.  
CA: haha  
TT: ... What?  
CA: remember his face  
CA: he wwas yelling at us about bein fuckin dumbasses right  
CA: but youd just look at his face and be able to tell straight away that inside he was just  
TT: Going EEE very loudly and feeling like a princess?  
CA: pretty much   
CA: little blighters so annoying wwith his cute no i refuse to be impressed by anything you can offer me face wwhen you can just TELL hes so fuckin impressed  
CA: a little open appreciation wwouldnt hurt is all im sayin c3<  
TT: Heh.  
TT: The real goal of the ceremony is to test whether we can put aside our animosity long enough to sweep our middle leaf off his stompy feet, isn't it.  
CA: howw wwas that evven a question lalonde you slowwin dowwn in your old age  
TT: Why, yes indeed, I must have, if I now need someone to keep you in your place, eating my dust.  
CA: that wwas a vvery nice bit a ashen flirtery nice job with the imagery there  
TT: I practiced.  
CA: i could tell from howw prefab it felt  
TT: If *you* could tell, then indeed I have been most remiss.  
TT: Idle curiosity: the sacred place for auspisticism is the back of the hands and knuckles; where are the spots for the other quadrants? And the markings?  
CA: salt powwder on forehead an bridge a the nose for pale sienna earth on chest ovver the heart for heart fuckin duh an tar on clawws for pitch  
TT: Heh.  
TT: Ashen knuckles. The sacred pimp hand of Justice.  
CA: wwhered you find that old title wwoww ivve only seen it in my oldest books  
TT: Oh dear lord. It's actually one of its titles?  
TT: Troll culture. Never change.  
CA: youre laughing your ass off at our ancient an glorious culture arent you  
CA: wwhats evven wwrong wwith it  
TT: There, there. It's a laugh of derisive affection.   
TT: Heavy on the derisive, really. c3<


End file.
